Cancer Jokes and Humorous Stories

Cancer can be extremely stressful and depressing. Sometimes the best release is a good joke or humorous story. Just because we have cancer, doesn't mean we're dead (yet). We can still enjoy a funny joke. Some of these jokes can only be appreciated by a fellow cancer patient. Others have more general appeal.

Unfortunately, there only seem to be seven books of cancer jokes and cancer humor:

Many of the following jokes are original, or adaptations of similar non-cancer jokes. Some were contributed by my friends and family, and some I wrote myself based on my own experiences.

If you like these jokes, you might like my new book, Tumor Humor: Cancer Jokes and Anecdotes.

At the end of this page there are links to other sources of cancer jokes and tumor humor.

So, if you're feeling a little out of sorts, take two jokes and see your doctor in the morning. Enjoy!

Testicular Cancer Jokes

I asked my nurse if I should shave the hair off my arms, so that the IV tape will stick better and it wouldn't hurt as much when she removed the tape. She said, "Don't bother. By the end of the week, I'll have taken care of it for you." and then ripped off another piece of tape with a dozen hairs.

A religious man discovers that he has testicular cancer, and decides to pray for a miracle. The next day he visits a urologist, who tells him he must have surgery immediately. He tells the doctor "I do not want you to remove my testicle, I am praying for a miracle from God". Then he visits a radiologist, who tells him that he must begin radiation therapy immediately. He tells the doctor "I do not want you to expose my body to radiation, I am putting my faith in God." Finally he visits an oncologist, who tells him that he must start chemotherapy immediately. He tells the doctor "I do not want you to inject me with caustic chemicals, God will heal me." A few months later he dies and goes to heaven, where he is very upset and asks God why he didn't give him a miracle. God replies "I gave you three miracles, a urologist, an oncologist and a radiologist, but you chose to ignore them."

A testicular cancer patient is admitted to the hospital for an orchiectomy to remove a cancerous testicle. When he wakes up the doctor tells him that he has good news and bad news.
Doctor: Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: The bad news.
Doctor: We accidentally removed both of your testicles.
Patient: What is the good news?
Doctor: You won't get prostate cancer.

Why is it that every doctor who is faced with a patient diagnosed with testicular cancer decides to throw in a prostate test for free? Do doctors enjoy sticking their fingers up patient's butts? After mine did that, he said "your prostate is fine; you don't have prostate cancer" to which I replied "I know, I said I have testicular cancer, not prostate cancer". Thank goodness he didn't try sticking his finger in the other hole.

A patient visited his urologist for testicular cancer and expressed concern about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried about the chemotherapy. The doctor said "I too had testicular cancer a few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my wife, and forgot all my worries. Try it and see for yourself." Three weeks later the patient returns, and thanks the doctor effusively. The doctor says "I'm glad my advice helped." The patient thanks him again, and as he's leaving says "By the way, Doctor, you have a really beautiful house."

A testicular cancer patient asks his urologist whether the orchiectomy will be painful. The doctor replies "only when you get my bill".

A testicular cancer survivor and his wife meet with his urologist, saying that they want to start a family, but haven't been having any success. The urologist tells them that he has some bad news, that the husband is sterile because of the cancer treatment. The wife then asks, what are the odds of our passing this on to our children?

A country hick is visiting a bar in the city when he gets into a fight and is kicked in the groin. The pain doesn't stop, so he sees a city doctor, who tells him that he has testicular cancer and his testicle needs to be removed. Very frightened, the hick returns to the country and sees his family doctor for a second opinion. The country doctor says to not do anything, "in a month or two, your penis will fall off on its own".

A testicular cancer patient sees a urologist to schedule an orchiectomy. The doctor tells him the operation will cost $4,000. The patient asks him if there's any way he can get a discount. The doctor answers, "well, I could do two for the price of one".

When my friends heard that I was going to a sperm bank to collect my sperm for cryopreservation, many of them remarked "at least you get to have some fun". You try juggling a collection bottle in one hand, a magazine in the other, all while trying to masturbate. It's no wonder they ask you whether all of the sample made it into the bottle.

Ever start chewing a stick of gum after forgetting to remove the tinfoil? Platinum-based chemotherapy is sort of like that, except that there's no gum in the tinfoil.

My beta-HCG levels were high enough to trigger a home pregnancy testing kit left over from my wife's pregnancy. The antinausea drugs would also wear off in the morning hours, giving me morning sickness. I've taken to calling the tumor in my abdomen "Junior". I think I'm carrying twins.

I wonder if platinum-based chemotherapy yields a high enough concentration to set off airport metal detectors. If so, it won't help to explain that chemotherapy is a derivative of chemical weapons.

None of the official guides to testicular cancer mention phlebitis as a side effect. They shave your privates for the orchiectomy, causing the hair to grow back in as hundreds of little pins. By the time you can go to the sperm bank, about ten days after the operation, the hairs are very sharp. I don't know about you, but stroking a bloody penis isn't my idea of fun.

A very handsome man visits a urologist, who happens to be a woman. The doctor falls instantly in love, and tells the patient to undress. After the patient has disrobed, the doctor starts fondling the patient's testicles. As she does this she says to the man, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," he says, "you're checking me for testicular cancer." "That's right," says the doctor. She then begins to rub his neck. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" she asks. "Yes," the man says, "you're checking my lymph nodes to see if they're swollen." "That's right," replies the doctor. She then climbs on top of his erect member and begins to have sex with him. She says to him, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," he says. "You're getting herpes."

Sometimes when my friends call, they don't know what to say. It is, after all, difficult to understand what a testicular cancer patient is going through. However, I find that describing some of the medical procedures, such as how the testicle is removed from a three-inch slit in the groin area, or how the tubing for a port-a-cath is threaded through your veins into your heart and the port buried under your skin, engenders a sympathetic reaction. By the time I'm done, their balls are hurting too.

When you have testicular cancer, your doctor may schedule you for a CAT scan to determine whether the cancer has spread. PET scans are also occasionally used for diagnosis, especially to determine whether the cancer is still active after chemotherapy. DOG scans, however, are reserved for colon cancer patients.

Never tell a joke to your oncologist just before they start the operation. It is very hard for him to cut straight when he's laughing.

[For a mixed audience.]
Seriously, guys, do a testicular self exam at least once a month. Early detection is the key to survival. You can find directions on the web.
Ladies, if your guy forgets or doesn't like to ask for directions, you could always check his testicles for him. I'm sure he won't mind, and it will only take a minute.

A testicular cancer patient told a joke about a three year old boy having a bath. The boy asked his mother "Mommy, are these my brains?", to which the mother replied "Not yet." The cancer patient added, as an aside, "I guess I'm not as bright as I used to be."

Generic and Other Cancer Jokes

Scientists are making amazing progress in cancer research. Every day they discover something new that causes it. ... For example, a leading medical journal recently reported that research causes cancer in mice.

One oncologist was talking to another at a cancer conference. "How did your new clinical trial go?" "The treatment was a success, but all the patients died."

Somehow the following seems funny, in a macabre form of justice:

  • R.J. Reynolds, Sr., the founder of RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company, died of pancreatic cancer in 1916 at the age of 67.
  • David Millar, the first Marlboro Man, died of complications from emphysema.
  • David McLean, another actor who portrayed the Marlboro Man, died of lung cancer in 1995.

My form of cancer is so rare, even my doctors aren't sure they're pronouncing it correctly.

A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks "can he be cured?". The doctor replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year -- cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on". When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said. The wife answers "he said that you're going to die".

Cancer cures smoking, eventually.

When I told a friend that I have cancer, he replied "I thought you were an Aries?".

The history of cancer is filled with quacks promoting miracle cures that don't work and may harm the patient. Curiously, many of the promoters have since died of cancer.

A man hears from his doctor that he has cancer and only has six months to live. The doctor recommends that he marry an accountant and move to Montana. The man asks, "Will this cure my cancer?" "No," said the doctor, "but the six months will seem much much longer!"

Anybody else find the dietary instructions for cancer somewhat confusing? One set of instructions tells you to eat certain foods and avoid other foods if you have mouth sores. There is another set of instructions for nausea, another for constipation, and another for diarrhea. You're also supposed to drink plenty of fluids to keep your system hydrated. Unfortunately, all of the instructions are mutually exclusive.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

I have the sort of face that causes folks to stop and ask me for directions. If I don't know the way, they often don't believe me. So I've taken to giving them deliberately wrong directions that will take them past a gas station, so that when they realize they're lost, they'll go back to the gas station for directions. I've even had fire trucks stop and ask me how to get to the fire. (Luckily that time I knew the location of their destination.) For a while I was being asked for directions four or five times a day, so I took to carrying photocopies of a local map to hand out. The other day while I was waiting for the elevator in the hospital, a new nurse mistook me for a doctor and asked me how to get to radiology (the hospital has a very confusing layout). The sad thing is I actually knew the way.

When people call to ask how you are, they really don't want to hear the truth. "This morning I had a massive vomiting session and didn't make it to the toilet in time. I also had severe nosebleeds, feel bloated, and lost two pounds. Other than that, I'm fine and dandy. How are you?" Better to just tell them "I'm ok" or "I'm as well as can be expected."

Doctor: I've got your test results and I have some bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's.
Patient: Boy, am I lucky! I was afraid I had cancer!

A friend said that when his father woke up from his colon cancer surgery (this was 20 years ago) he groggily asked the nurse: "Guess what I am now? A semi-colon!"

A totally bald man walks into a bar and sees the bartender sitting behind the counter. He asks, "can I get a beer?" The bartender replies, "cancer." The bald man acknowledges, "yeah, I've been on chemotherapy for a month." The man behind the bar looks confused then says, "No, I mean I 'can't sir'. I'm not the bartender, and I've been paralyzed for 20 years."

Why did the cancer cross to the other side of the road?
Answer: To metastasize.

What do you call a doctor who is always on the telephone? An ON-CALLogist.

Practical Jokes for Cancer Patients

A favorite practical joke of radiation therapy patients is to toss a green glow stick under the covers after the first day of radiation therapy. It is best if the spouse discovers the glow on their own, but you can help them along by lifting up the covers slightly.

Links to Cancer Joke Collections

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